Drop your store.Get torn down.
The Sergeant runs your Shopify store, scores it out of 10, and calls out exactly what is costing you sales. No fluff. Real findings. Free.
Land your teardown in your inbox in minutes. The funniest ones get the full video treatment on TikTok.
A real teardown. Score: 3/10.
How it works
Three steps. Zero cost.
Paste your URL above. The Sergeant pulls up your store and runs the numbers.
A blunt, honest teardown lands in your inbox. Your score, your top leaks, what is killing conversions.
Use the findings yourself, or have Kevin do it for you. The teardown is free either way.
The Sergeant is the comedy. The teardown is real.
I am Kevin. I build and fix DTC brands for a living. The bulldog roasts your store for laughs, but every finding in your teardown is a real, verifiable problem pulled straight from your site. Nothing made up, ever.
Want it fixed, not just roasted?
The teardown is free. The cure is done-for-you.
The deep version of your teardown. Every leak, prioritized, with the exact fix for each one.
See the audit →If the Sergeant said Google cannot find you, I will fix that for you. Hands off your end.
Fix my SEO →Questions
Yes. The teardown costs nothing. No card, no trial. I make money when you decide you want the leaks fixed for you.
Only if it makes for a great teardown, and you submitted it yourself. Most teardowns just land in your inbox. If yours gets the video treatment, it is free promotion for your store.
Your written teardown hits your inbox within a few minutes.
Every single finding is pulled from your live site. The jokes are the Sergeant's. The problems are real and verifiable.